The announcement that a Canadian couple had chosen to "keep private for now" the sex  (often referred to as "gender") of their baby Storm launched an avalanche of opinions around the world, a great number of which severely criticized their decision... and their worthiness to parent. As a retired educator and the mother who managed to make PLENTY of errors in guiding her two now-grown sons, I'd like to seek a kinder perspective.


Perhaps we can attempt to understand (though not necessarily agree with) the parents' decision on privacy. Much of the criticism stems from the mother's revelation that the oldest child (son Jazz, age 5) had worried that the soon-to-be-born baby would be teased for making choices similar to those big brother made. (Jazz loves the color pink. He has chosen to wear long braids. He has been free to select clothing from either the boys' or girls' department … including pink dresses).


Jazz's young-child choices clashed with his culture's gender-defined norms, creating a stir among adults (who, I would surmise, then passed their thumbs-down attitudes on to other children). So, to avoid Society's demanding that Storm make gender-appropriate choices (as it had for Jazz), the parents' idea to keep Storm's gender private (rather than “secret”) must have sounded like a great one: If people didn't know whether Storm was a boy or a girl, they wouldn't condemn the child for being too feminine or too masculine.


The idea was that Storm - without gender-defined limitations - would have time to develop in his (or her) own way. Time to develop confidence before meeting the reality of societal pressure. That seems to have been the plan.


What people believed however, is that son #1 had been too young to make choices about color, clothes, and hairstyles. Those choices did not match today's gender norms. So, he MUST be confused about his gender identity.


Jazz in NOT “confused”: He knows he's a boy; he dislikes being called a girl. His tastes simply are different from what Society wants for him.


Surely, people believed, without strong guidance, Storm “too" would be confused about his or her gender identity. Without the public knowing what kind of genitals Storm had, how could the child possibly make acceptable choices?


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Rewinding the clock a few decades, I wonder how I would proceed if I had allowed my firstborn to choose the length of his hair and the style of his clothes. If he had "feminine" tastes, I might have regretted my decision to allow him free choice. Would it be wise to continue that path when other kids teased him?

Or, would it be better to take the reins away and start making such decisions for him?


"No, son: You goofed. Mommy is going to make your choices because you made unwise ones. We're giving your dresses away, and we're going to the barber tomorrow."


Great idea, huh? Poor kid can't even be "okay enough" to like the “right” color!

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Maybe – in Society's eyes - these parents did give their older two sons "too much" freedom - or too little guidance - in hair and clothing choices. Sounds simple enough: If parents had made Jazz look and dress in a more “masculine” fashion, he probably would not be teased about his non-choices.


In a similar line of thinking, if he continues to make so-called "feminine" choices, he very well may face teasing, ... BULLYING.  But are there larger lessons - for Jazz, for his two younger siblings, and for us as adult judges?

President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, age 5


Tonight I am to interview on Fox TV (Channel 26, Houston), and expect to have more items to explore afterwards. My belief now is that this situation – with the eyes of many nations looking-on - has a huge potential for all of us to examine our perceptions of others who are different (including those who parent differently from the way we think we would).

'Til we “meet” again, though, I'd like you to consider whether it would be better for
Jazz's parents to “wilt” (and recant) regarding their dedication to their youngsters' freedom, or whether they should empower Jazz:


"Son, some people are mean to those who are different from themselves. When that happens, we have to decide how much we believe in our own choices. I am always here if you want to talk about whether there's something you wish to change. It's good to consider what others say, but we may or may not agree with them. If the choices ever feel too big for you, remember that we believe in you and are here for you."


Whether we are kids or adults: we all differ in some way from society's norm. We may be “different” mentally (and acquire disrespectful labels) if our I.Q. Is believed to be too high or too low for others' comfort. Our perceived (or actual) sexual orientation, gender identity/ gender expression may not match our peers' expectations. Our race, religion, socio-economic level may be an excuse for others to shun or bully us. Many of us fail to accept ourselves because of our physical appearance (as in The Knock-Kneed Cowboy: A Tale of Being 'Just Right'... Just As We Are).


Eventually, though, we learn that the only person whose opinion about us REALLY matters is the one standing in front of the mirror looking back at us. As I remind myself each time I point a finger at someone else, three more fingers point back at me. What am I seeing in that other person, that situation, that I need examine within myself?


My wish is that we each learn to celebrate each other's individuality, and our OWN unique qualities. I invite you to post your comments here.


With greatest appreciation,

Billie


For occasional posts relating to self-acceptance and true self-esteem, be sure to register on the home page at http://EmpoweringForChange.com